Step 1: Start with this easy basic cheesecake recipe:
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BASIC CHEESECAKE
1½ cup graham cracker crumbs
4 tbs melted butter
1 cup sugar, plus 2 tbs for crust
24 oz cream cheese, room temperature
4 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
2 tbs heavy whipping cream
Oven temp: 350
In a small bowl, combine graham cracker crumbs, melted butter, and 2 tablespoons of sugar. After mixing well, press into the bottom of a springform pan that’s been lined with thick foil and greased. Set aside.
In a large bowl, combine room temperature cream cheese, eggs, vanilla, whipping cream and 1 cup sugar. Beat until smooth and creamy. Pour batter into the cheesecake pan and cook for 35–40 minutes. When the center is mostly set, remove from oven and run a knife around the edge of the pan. Allow to cool completely before topping or removing from pan.
You can add fruit topping after the cake is done, if desired.
For chocolate cheesecake, add a bag of melted chocolate chips to the mixture and use chocolate cookie crumbs for the crust. The vanilla can be substituted with any flavoring extract. It is a very flexible basic recipe that can be changed to incorporate any favorite flavor.
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We'll be making chocolate cheesecake today, so have your Oreo crumbs and melted chips on hand.
Step 2: When purchasing supplies to make your cheesecake, be sure the store is out of good quality cream cheese. Panic and buy the store brand. It probably doesn't make that much difference, but when things fall apart later, this will be a handy scapegoat.
Step 3: The recipe does not say how to mix your cheesecake batter, so just assume. Instead of carefully folding the delicate ingredients together by hand with a large spoon, just use your mixer. Remember, the quality of the cream cheese is subpar, so you may want to use high-speed to try to get the damn stuff smooth and creamy. Of course, that'll never happen - but you will beat a lot of air into the mixture so that, later, the whole cake will puff up in the oven then collapse like a failure souflee.
Step 4: Overbake your cheesecake. Since the last one you made never set in the center, overcompensate and leave THIS one in the oven, like, ten minutes longer. The texture will be tough and chewy, but the goddamn center will be set.
Step 5: Allow the cake to cool completely before removing the springform pan. When transferring it to a serving platter, the cheesecake should crack in every direction, and part of one side should crumble and slide into a lumpy pudding pile.
Step 6: Become just a little bit annoyed.
Step 7: Chill the cheesecake in the fridge overnight. When you take it out the next morning to top it, get a gooooood, long look at your work in the harsh light of day.
Step 8: Carefully cut away the collapsed section of your cheesecake with a butter knife. Slop it into a bowl and eat it with a spoon.
Step 9: Prepare a simple chocolate ganache by melting chocolate chips with a little heavy cream in the microwave. In the spirit of continuity, overcook the ganache until it's grainy and lumpy.
Step 10: Transfer the ganache to a small Ziploc bag, and cut off a tiny bit of one corner to make a little icing bag! You should be able to squeeze the ganache through the hole in the bag to make a pretty, drizzled pattern on top of what's left of your cheesecake. Squeeze too hard, so the bag bursts and all the ganache dumps out. You may be able to hear it laughing at you.
Step 11: FINE JUST SMEAR THE GANACHE ACROSS THE TOP WHO CARES AT THIS POINT
Step 12: Sprinkle with mini chocolate chips. Slap some lipstick on that pig!
Now you have your very own terrible cheesecake for Christmas. It tastes fine. Not perfect, maybe, and certainly not beautiful or guest-worthy. But you fucking have cheesecake, so what are you crying about?
Try to wait til at least 5:00pm before you break out the "special occasion" bottle of Jagermeister you keep in your freezer.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
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