Death by Chocolate Trifle

Do you have a death wish? Man, that's sad. But here, let me help you. Kill yourself with some dignity, ok? This only takes like one bowl before stopping your heart. It's a good pain, though, I promise. Oh so good.

Get you one of these. Maybe you were using it as a fruit bowl. Whatever, it makes a terrific fruit bowl:

Good job. Bake a box of this in a 13x9 pan:

Let it cool a bit. Now grab a pastry brush and brush some of this on it until it's moist, but not so soggy the brownies fall apart:

Get some of this and whip it up. You'll need a lot. I had used one of the big, big tubs of Cool Whip but I think we all agree this is tastier and is made with less plastic, now don't we? Just...make a lot:

Make two boxes of this (use full fat milk - remember, we're trying to kill you here):

Go out and buy about 8 of these. Don't buy 15 of them. Or 30, if you're making two desserts. You'll look like a dumbass and your best friend will yell across the grocery store that she doesn't acutally know you. That bitch!

Crush them up. I used a hammer. Be careful! You're not ready to meet Jesus yet, ok?

Alrighty. Back to your makeshift fruit bowl. Cut up the liquor soaked brownies (steal a couple bites, you're cool) and put about half of them in the bottom of the bowl. Put half of your pudding on top, spread it around good. Do the same with the whipping cream. Top with half of the crushed candy bars. Repeat, ending with a lovely flourish of candy bits hammered into bite size pieces...or oblivion, maybe you were mad when you were weilding the hammer. Maybe your husband was watching Die Hard and that movie is fucking stupid and can't we watch the Golden Girls? Shit. It's MY kitchen, maybe you should go to the back!

Put that in the fridge and let it get nice and cool.

Write a letter to your mama. Tell her how good it was. Oh, and write a quick e-mail to your boss letting him know you won't be returning and what a jackass he is. Doesn't that feel good? Yes, yes it does.